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Super Computer Physician
A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been
replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and
the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to
urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer
decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he
asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from
his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm.
He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample.
He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes
its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his
wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if
he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow. |
Saddam
Hussein
BAGHDAD, IRAQ- April 23, 1997 - Saddam Hussein today announced his
pledge to fight terrorism, starting with "the fool who crashed my 286
with junk e-mail spam". The iron fisted leader went on to state that
it took nearly five years to scavenge the countryside for stray
computer parts "just to get on the net." After months of receiving
busy signals from America Off Line, Saddam was finally able to
negotiate (handshake) with the AOL server. He then went to download
his e-mail, expecting to receive the customary AOL welcome e-mail
message. But much to his dismay he was hit hard by Sanford Wallace's
spam puking Cyber-Bomber Program.
The attack consisted of endless copies of the exact same junk e-mails
such as "Get Rich Quick", "Internet Porno Site Adverts", etc., etc..
The attack was so hard & heavy that Saddam's 120 MB hard drive simply
crashed within a matter of minutes. Saddam stated that Mr. Wallace has
got himself in the same predicament as Salman Rushdie, and will have
nowhere to hide.
Reaction amongst netizens was generally positive, and in total
agreement with Saddam's decree.
Sources at the Pentagon stated that Mr. Wallace will most likely be
placed in the Wit-less Protection Program (funded by a new tax on all
e-mails).
Furthermore, Pentagon Officials were so impressed with the
capabilities of the Cyber-Bomber Program, that this highly effective
technology will now become property of the Department of Defense. No
further details were given in regards to further research and
development of junk e-mail spamming as a weapon of mass irritation.
Mr. Spamford Wallace was unavailable for comment. |
God As A
Computer Programmer
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy
bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had
left him.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and
he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait
until tomorrow.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in the
maintenance phase.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he
actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him. God thinks
he's irritating but irrelevant.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common
word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get
off his back and let him program.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email |
Ten Top Reasons
Computers Are Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter. |
Thanks
For Calling Technical Support
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are
currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please
hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now
estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to
expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identi-fication
number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial
number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your
computer where, for security purposes, is printed in the smallest
typeface known to mankind. Do that now. |
The Man
And The Dog
There is an OLD story about the data center of the future.
This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.
The man's job is to feed the dog.
The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.
|
One Operating System
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we
were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on
my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and
showed him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw it into my
micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset,
because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry,
it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me
and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite
cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could
not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a
inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen
before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if
out of a great depth:
1213AEBED4FA56F7D7E8EDE09402F9240EE0E50CC9D44AA08324
'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said. 'No but I can,' he
said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is
that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English
this is what it says:'
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them |
Top 10
Signs That Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years
running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, uh-pleeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr.
President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk.
|
God Ends
The World
God called a meeting of Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates and
said: "I've given you all the tools you needed to make a better world
- you've blown it and I'm ending the world in two weeks."
Bill Clinton went on TV and said "I have good news and bad news. The
good news is that God exists. The bad news is that the world will end
in two weeks."
Boris Yeltsin called his advisors together and said "I have bad news
and really bad news. The bad news is that God exists. The really bad
news is that the world will end in two weeks."
Bill Gates called his co-workers together and said "I have good news
and really good news. The good news is that God thinks I am one of the
three most powerful people in the world. The really good news is that
we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95." |
Windows
Support
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Software
Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialize it'?"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be
blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in
the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of
Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?" |
2 Programmers on a
Highway
Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the
radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on
highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks
at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them. |
A CD
Player
While shopping for my first CD player, I was
able to decipher most of the technicalese on the
promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though,
so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does
'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" "That means", he said,
"that this machine will read the digital information that
is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal -
that is, into music." "In other words this CD player plays
CDs." "Exactly." |
An
Airliner
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the
participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had
just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers
had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you
would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content
to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi
as far as the runway, let alone take off. |
An artist, a lawyer, and
a computer scientist
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the
merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill
which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the
difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it.
Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing
that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My
mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on
the computer!" |
Apple
Computers
Apple had a new computer under development. Their project name for it
was "Carl Sagan" (I don't know why).
When the real Carl Sagan learned about this, he was upset. He demanded
that Apple stop using his name, even for their private, internal
projects.
Apple agreed. They changed the name of the project to "Butthead
Astronomer". |
Bill
Gates And God
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and
went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked,
tell what is important about yourself.
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance
and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.
God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at
my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.
Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices
were most important.
God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right
hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him
indignantly.
God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair". |
Accident
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep
mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against
the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but
otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee,
have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement,
develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that
method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will
take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all
push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again." |
Programmers' Wisdom
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least
one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. |
Program
PROGRAM (pro'-gram)
[n] A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
into error messages.
[vi] To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a
wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. |
Endless
Loop
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally
someone noticed and called the cops.
They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him
dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next
to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.
The instructions on the bottle said:
* Wet hair
* Apply shampoo
* Wait 2 minutes
* Rinse
* Repeat |
Microsoft Support
A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets
at the target 50m away. Then the supervisors check the target and see
that there's not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he
missed completely. So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same
answer. Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots,
blasting off his finger. When he saw it he shouted back "I don't know,
it's working perfectly here, the problem must yours..." |
Computers vs. Auto Industry
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.
He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General
Motors.
The comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over
the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a
V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you
could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand
miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new
car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds:
"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a
day?" |
Consultants
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The
storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in
politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
"The one to the left costs $500," says the storeowner.
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the storeowner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that "That one
costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational
technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey.
"That one costs $3000," answers the storeowner.
"$3000!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a
single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant." |
Definition
From Webster's Dictionary:
Windows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit
patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit
microprocessor written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of
competition |
Don't
Miss This Opportunity
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple
way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no
money to lose!
TRY it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1. Open a new text or word document
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times. |
Dream
Job
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending
on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2
years - say, a red Corvette?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it." |
Email
Mistakes
It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology --
can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets
of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip
and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his
hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his
note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband
had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked
her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
screen:
"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here." |
ID10T
Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes,
the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and
solved the problem.
As he was walking away Susie called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error." A puzzled expression ran
riot over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I
need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an
'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied, "No." "Write it down," he
said, "and I think you'll figure it out." . . . . . . . . . . I D 1 0
T |
Top Ten
Signs Your Spouse May Be Having An On-Line Affair
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software".
4. Lipstick on the mouse.
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt.
1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear. |
Microsoft to Sell Ad Space in Error Messages
Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error
messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that
the average user of their operating system encounters error messages
at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial
advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We
estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million
people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation"
warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including
a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing
director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated
that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair
advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of
its semi-monopolistic control over error messages. |
The
Programmer and the Talking Frog
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog
pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll
stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and
puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give
you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back
in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you
great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you
great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss
a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a
talking frog is pretty neat." |
Reasons
Why Windows Is Not A Virus
1. Viruses are free.
2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.
3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.
4. Viruses don't have major bugs.
5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.
6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem
95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.
7. Viruses aren't on every computer.
8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is
advertised as 32...
9. Viruses install themselves ! |
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