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The
jokes aren't meant to hurt anyone |
Female Bashing jokes |
Female Bashing
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never
be able to support you.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q: How do you fix a women's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.
Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced. |
What Men
Should Never Say After Sex
1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"
11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.
12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every
Tuesday night or something?"
14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"
16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"
17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"
18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in
there!" |
Feel
Like A Woman
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young
to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex
in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman!
Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel
like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with
long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly
up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one
moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger
approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his
chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the
trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this." |
Computer Terms
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described,
would have a gender association although in English these words were
neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender
is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so
divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a
computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of
the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked
to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in
the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you might have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely
be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it. |
Dying
Confession
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady
vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran
silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from
her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to
talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all
right.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your
best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky,
don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you
think I poisoned you?" |
Genie In
The Lamp
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie
said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is
the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes
so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and
thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to
Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build
me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie
laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that!
How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of
how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The
man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives
always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish
that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what
they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why
they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' .
. . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want
that bridge with two lanes or four? |
His and Hers ATM
Machines
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake |
Irish
Wife
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood
up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive
with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my
husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to
do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day
I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a
wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my
washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference
I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping
and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw
nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I
could see a little bit out of my left eye." |
"You're
single aren't you?"
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly." |
Ten
Years Bad Luck
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has
just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are
carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall,
jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman
is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held
at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers
are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!" |
Tatooed Penis
There was this man and when ever he got his pay check his wife would
go and spend it. So one day he went to the tattoo parlor and asked to
have a 100 dollar bill tattooed on his penis. So he went home and when
his wife walked in the door he pulled down his pants and said," I want
to see you blow this money"! |
Perfect
Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together
was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect
couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect
couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge
bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of
Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident. Who was the only survivor?
If there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. |
Getting
Out of A Ticket
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a
nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and
blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and
opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of
the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and
pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined
it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the
13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an
excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with
a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer. |
The Cost Of Woman
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out
to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded
me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but
I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent
that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be
so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to
make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.
She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will
be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a
rib?" |
Send Her
Back To The US
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family,
including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem,
George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand,
George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to
send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The
Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for
burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as
$5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible
for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem.
This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and
answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back,
that's what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your
mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price". "No,
it's not that," says George.
"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was
buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I
just can't take that chance! |
Humor in
the Restroom - The Wisdom you can find on the Walls
1. Friends don't let their friends take home a ugly men. from n a
Women's restroom in Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.
2. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" in
a -from a Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia. Remember
3. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her crap. in from a Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill,
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
4. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! From a a -Women's
restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
5. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going
to have trouble with it. from a -Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort,
Dallas, Texas
6. No wonder you always go home alone. From a Sign over mirror in
Men's restroom at Beverly Hills, CA
7. Beauty is only a light switch away in a restroom in the -Perkins
Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
8. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. from the -The
Irish Times, Washington, DC
9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.
10. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. From
Revolution Books, New York, New York
11, Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. from
a -Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
12. Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes
them soggy and hard to light. --The Janitor
13. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your
hands. in a -Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
|
Talented
Frog
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to
spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's
been trained to give blowjobs !"
"Blowjobs!", the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he
said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
true...no more blowjobs for her ! She bought the frog. When she
explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical
and laughed it off.
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform
this less than riveting act again.
In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and
pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the
frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied," If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is
gone." |
37
Reasons It's Great To Be A Man
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal. |
Smartest
Hair Color
Three dumb blondes were shipwrecked on a desert island. They came
across a magic lamp and a genie came out.
The genie said that he would grant them each a wish.The first blonde
asked to be made smart, the genie turned her into a brunette and she
swam off the island.
The second blonde asked to be even more smarter, so the genie turned
her red hair and she built a boat and sailed off the island.
The third blonde asked to be made the smartest, so the genie turned
her into a man and he walked onto the bridge, and off the island.
|
Girlfriend 5.0
Desperately seeking technical support!
I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having
some problems. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies
1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend
releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies
won't crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I
can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and
it works OK.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with Golfware,
often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0,
but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience
with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to
run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring
upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache,
Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs
were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a
virus. After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan I very
cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time using a SCSI probe
and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered
Girlfriend 1.0 wasn't completely uninstalled!
I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still
installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that
automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates
with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both
versions!
The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all versions,
there are still some problems. The Girlfriend package is written in
some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram.
And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally 'object-oriented.'
A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which
is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus
1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiance9e 1.0. So he
did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he
describes as a 'huge resource hog.' It has taken up all his space, so
he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he
upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it
turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes
prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items
he wanted to try). On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well
warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not
ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has an automatic
popup feature he can't turn off.
I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if
you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0
won't install anyway, due to insufficient resources. If anybody out
there is able to offer technical advice... |
Upgrade
Girlfriend
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger,
has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do
anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins
such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0. - A
"Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - Shutdown feature -
An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed,
they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to
uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I
tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system
directory.
Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've
used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports
hardware with gold plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you
try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then
Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. |
Drunk
Driver
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently
all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to
the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf." |
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