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Blonde Murder Victim
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws,
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the
windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the
back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while
became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she
was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the
head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man
called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were
locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the
back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the
heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of
dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find
out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She
initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her
brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde. |
A Blonde Finally Wins
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat
agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since
she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the
blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the
first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The
blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five
dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes
down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes
out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into
the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the
blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and
turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little
miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
$5, and goes back to sleep. |
Blonde Painter
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided
to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd
jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told
Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the
porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the
garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the
house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished,"
she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two
coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way,"
said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." |
Blonde And
The Alligator
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the
alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return
for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The
crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the
man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of
it's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital,
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell
over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." |
Breast Feeding Blonde
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop
is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must
be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I
could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!" |
Oceans Of Blondes
This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a
blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of
the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the
side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not
stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.
"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an
ocean of wheat."
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at
the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of
us a bad name."
The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing
again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her
fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "if I could swim I would
come out there and kick your ass." |
Blonde
Breast Stroke
A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English
Channel Breast Stroke Competition.
The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no
sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave
concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde
finally arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced
the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died
down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad
loser, but I think those other girls used their arms." |
Blonde Escapee
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette,
and one a blonde.
They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided
to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found
three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The
sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he
got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled
back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy
kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went,
"Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so
the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound
at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said,
"Potatoes." |
Blonde Shampoo
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit,
handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both
notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th
floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says,
"Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?" |
Blonde Interpreter
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they
stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would
you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr,
gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing. |
Blonde
Jigsaw Puzzle
John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the
pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks
for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the
jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's
sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box." |
Blonde Passenger
A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight
attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not
for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm
going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and
explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm
beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation
over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets
up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are
flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this
section of the plane doesn't go to California." |
The K9 Patrol
The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was
somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported
the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the
blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned,
'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the
police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!' |
Blonde Bar
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a
barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the
blind guy yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,
the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is
blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a
black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is
blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde,
and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still
wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times." |
The Blonde And The
Vending Machine
One time this blonde girl was at a vending machine. She would stick a
quarter in, push the button, and a soda would come out and she would
put it on the top. She did this a few more times before a man asked
why she kept doing this, and she said, "Because im winning." |
A Blondes Mother Dies
One day a brunnete was driving home from work, as she got out of the
car she heard her blonde neighbor crying. "Oh my god what wrong?" the
brunnete asked. "My mother just died!" said the blonde crying out. The
brunnete feeling sorry for the blonde comforted her for the whole day.
The next day the brunnete saw the blonde crying outside. "Now what the
hell is wrong?!" said the brunnete. "Ohh, it's terrible...my sister
called, and her mother died too!" |
The Blonde And The Witch
There was a blonde, a brunette and a redhead at a dance together. When
they went into the bathroom to check their makeup, they found an old
hag. "I am a witch, and if you look in the mirror and say one rumor
that you hear about you, and that rumor is true, then you will get one
wish. If it is not true, then you will get sucked into Mirrorland for
the rest of eternity. Do you understand?" They all did, and the
brunette went first. "I think I am the prettiest girl at school."
"That is true. Your wish is granted." And the brunette left the dance
in a red Ferrari. Then came the redhead. "I think I am the richest
girl at school." "That is true. Your wish is granted." And the redhead
left the dance with a hot boyfriend. Then came the blonde. "I
think..." Before she had a chance to finish, the witch said: "You
lie!!" And she was sucked into the mirror. |
I Didn't Know
A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead where setting together at a coffee
shop. They all decide to go through their daughter's purses. The
Brunette goes first. "I cant belive I found a pack of cigerettes in my
daughter's purse. I didn't know she smoked." The redhead says, " I
can't belive I found boose in my daughter's purse. I didn't know she
drank." Finally the blonde says," I found a condom in my daughter's
purse. I didn't know she had a penis!" |
Adam
A blonde walks into a hardware store, and is looking for a new
television. The store assistant approaches her and says, "I'm sorry
madam, but we don't serve blondes." So she goes home, has a breast
reduction, and dyes and cuts her hair. She goes back to the store, and
asks the assistant, "I'd like to buy this television please". The
store assistant replies, "sorry madam, we don't serve blondes." "How
did you know?" she said.
"Because that is a microwave, not a television!" |
Suicidal Blonde
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts
it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The
blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" |
State Capitals
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,
"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
easy: W." |
Row vs Wade
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That
was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware." |
Snow Blonde Plow
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic
however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If
you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come
by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to
follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was
doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got
stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking
lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?" |
Breathe In Breathe Out
There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before
the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to
knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The
next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones
off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time
she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my
head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As
soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor
unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this
is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."
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Thank God It's Friday
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile
and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." |
Iron Phone
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her
what had had happened to her ears?
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up
the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to
your other ear?"
"The son-of-a-bitch called back." |
Bad Name
There is this blonde in the middle of a parking lot rowing a boat.
This other blonde drives by and sees this blonde rowing a boat in the
middle of a parking lot. So she stops her car gets out and yells, "IF
I COULD SWIM, I WOULD SIM OVER THERE AND DROWN YOU. YOU GIVE US
BLONDES A BAD NAME!!" |
Hammer Heads
Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going
into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that
this was weird and decided to look into.
"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"
"Well, when i pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the
house, i nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is
defective and i throw it away."
"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side
of the house." |
Can't Make It
A blonde, brunette and a red-head were trapped on a island 20 miles
from shore. The red-head started swimming and got tired after 2 miles
and turned around and swam back. Then the brunette started to swim and
after 7 miles of swimming she turned back. The blonde jumped in and
swam 17 miles got tired and turned back. |
Smartest Hair Color
Three dumb blondes were shipwrecked on a desert island. They came
across a magic lamp and a genie came out.
The genie said that he would grant them each a wish.The first blonde
asked to be made smart, the genie turned her into a brunette and she
swam off the island.
The second blonde asked to be even more smarter, so the genie turned
her red hair and she built a boat and sailed off the island.
The third blonde asked to be made the smartest, so the genie turned
her into a man and he walked onto the bridge, and off the island.
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Lost Engine
A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees another blonde woman
with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She stops
to ask what's wrong. The owner of the broken Porsche said, "I just had
a look under the hood, well, while I was driving somebody had stolen
the engine."
The other said, "Oh, don't wory, I have a spare one in the back."
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Reassured
Two blonde roommates went shopping one day. On the way, one blonde
told the other that she had forgotten to switch off the iron. The
second blonde turned to her friend and very cooly assured her that the
house would not catch fire as she had left the tap running. |
Drowning In A Pickup
There were two brunettes in the front of a truck, and three blonds in
the back. They rolled off a cliff into the ocean. The brunettes
survived, but the blonds died. Why?
They couldn't get the tailgate open. |
Medical Compliment
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her
and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''
The blond yelled at the doctor... ''I came here to get medical help,
not get a stupid compliment!!'' |
Coffee Drinker
A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my
coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the
cup.'' |
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