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Rubbing For A Wish
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by
his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a
man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing
this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her
moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself
on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a
bike! I need a bike!" |
The
Milkman
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the
night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and
thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can
even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I
ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more
uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his
stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty
soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on
tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get
bucked off!" |
Little
Johnny's Letter to Santa
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of
December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that
have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with
illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric
train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed
my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my
class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to
lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that
behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and
with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly
cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for
humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS
WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT
SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR,
TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU
HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE
STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN
HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN
MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE
STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL
HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE
TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU
KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN
REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO
LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!
Sincerely, Johnny |
The Wedgie
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His
father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you
not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our
prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress
in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's
when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to
women."
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye
black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a
talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church
saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had
her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to
me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she
doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!" |
Johnny's
Morals
In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today,
class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She
explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little
Suzie raises her hand.
Suzie: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we
were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched."
Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"
Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"
Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in
my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs
broke."
Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"
Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"
Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when
she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20
bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank
the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of
them with her knife."
Teacher: "Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"
Little Johnny: "Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's drunk." |
Which
One Is Married?
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five
birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many
would be left?" "None." replied Johnny,"'cause the rest would fly
away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the
way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you
now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one
licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one
sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher
nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little
Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the
way you are thinking." |
Johnny's Thinking
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class,
I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you
tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and
red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely
ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The
teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But
I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long,
yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he
waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on
Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a
squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so
he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my
hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a
head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers
Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!" |
The
Lesson
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her
fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for
sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire
lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for
examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his
hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William,"
cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh,
that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With
much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin'
TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds
and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he
killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved
but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education,
Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
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Definitely
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word
'definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or
black."
A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks,
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!" |
The
Rectum
One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said,
'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He replied, 'no ma'am.' She
said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a
call to your parents.'
As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees
two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that
it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ass.
Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to
himself, 'This is going to be my report.'
The next day at school the teacher says, 'Johnny, do you have your
report done?' He says, 'sure do.' So he goes up to the front of the
class and starts telling them what he saw. 'Yesterday I was walking
home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one
rammed its head right up the other's ass.' The teacher says, 'Johnny,
we don't use the word 'ass' in the classroom, it's rectum.' Johnny
said, 'Rectum? Hell, it damn near killed 'em.' |
Don't Pee in the Pool
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming
pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm
going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" |
Daddy
Johnny
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can
little girls have babies?" "No," said his Mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his
friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" |
God's
Handles
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster
dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its
back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said,
"Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is
his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for
Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" |
Jesus Is In The Bathroom
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He
grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for
a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he
knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in
there?'!" |
Don't
Step On Them
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was
playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started
swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in
his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a
brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one
month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon
started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father
again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No
butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy
when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began
stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there
watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy,
or should I?" |
Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful
in it."
"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"
he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'" |
Johnny
Urinates
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to
take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the
proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use
is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly,
and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then
says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" |
Indifferent
One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her
class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.
No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his
propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks
for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else
raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?"
"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."
Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny,
can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard
Mommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in
different.'"
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Johnny's
Birthday
"Happy 6th Birthday, Johnny!" a banner said that was hanging in
Johnny's living room. "Yay me!" he thought. Then he went to his mom,
who was about to get in the shower. "Mommy, can I take a shower with
you? It is my birthday." "Well, ok. But don't look up or down." she
replied. In the shower, Johnny looked down. "Mommy, what's that?"
"That's...um...my bush." Then he looked up. "Mommy, what are those?"
"Those are...um...my flashlights." "ok." Then later on, his dad was
about to get in the shower. "Daddy, can I shower with you? It is my
birthday." "I guess so but only today. And don't look down." he
answered. In the shower, Johnny looked down. "Daddy, what's that?"
"That is my...um...snake." "Oh, I have one too!" "Yeah, that's right."
his dad answered. That night, Johnny asked his parents: "Can I sleep
with you tonight? It is my birthday and there's a monster under my
bed." "Well...only tonight because it's your birthday." his dad
answered. "And don't look under the covers, ok Johnny?" "Ok." So they
got into bed, and Johnny looked under the covers. Suddenly, he yelled
"Mommy! Quick, turn on your flashlights! Daddy's snake is going
through your bushes!" |
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