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Getting Into the
Olympics
Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop
souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the
registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system
that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus
MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a
shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of
registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all
Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off
the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states:
"Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of
registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so
forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the
registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of
registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal
tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They
groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot
to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover
stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire
under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
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You know
you're trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of
her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch
this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how
much gas it has in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law
against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. |
Dead
Hick
Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told
Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I
drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" |
Ghost Hick
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on
the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many
people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise
their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three
students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one
question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One
student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He
takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have
slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make
his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I
thought you said 'goats'!" |
You May
Be A Redneck Pilot If...
... your stall warning plays "Dixie."
... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."
... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your
septic tank service.
... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck
One.
... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your
aircraft.
... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big
10-4!"
... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar"
or "little darlin'."
... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a
redneck.
... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.
... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your
N-number.
... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her
doublewide.
... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains
"Case of Bud."
... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman." |
White
One Liners
What's white and fourteen inches long?
Absolutely nothing!
What do you call 500,000 white guys jumping out of a plane?
Snow.
What do you call a bunch of white guys in a circle?
A Dope Ring!
What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.
Why do so many white people get lost skiing?
It's hard to find them in the snow.
What did they white guy do before his blood test?
He studied.
How long does it take for a white women to take a crap???
9 months
What's the difference between a white man and a snake?
One is a evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and
the other is a snake.
How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.
What's the flattest surface to iron your jeans on?
A white girl's ass!
What did the black guy do with his M&Ms?
Eat them
What did they white guy try and do with his?
Put them in alphabetical order
What did a white guy see when he looked at his family tree?
A straight line! |
Borrow The Truck
A white girl came up to her dad who was sitting in a beaten up
armchair. "Pa, kin ah borrow the truck to-nahgt?" she asked. Her dad
looked up to her and said, "Darlin', yew know what yew haf t'do if'n
yew wants to borrer th' truck." "But Pa! Ah haf t'go naow!" the white
girl cried. Her daddy stood up and unzipped his pants. "Yew know
perfectly well what yew haf t'do. On yer knees, bitch!" The white girl
complied and started sucking her dad's cock. After a few seconds she
stopped in disgust and looked up to her dad. "Gee Pa, yore dick shore
tastes like shit!" Her dad slapped his forhead and said, "Dammit, Ah
forgot! Ah already loaned the truck to yer brother just a few minutes
ago!" |
A
Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.
There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good
whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad
judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be
surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back
in.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up. |
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