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New Answering Service
Installed at Mental Health Institutes
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the
mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until
someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's
maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep,
or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you." |
Going
Crazy With Confusion
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a
patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?"
He got the following reply.
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never
have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became
my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter,
then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon,
my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since
he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my
daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at
once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother,
he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother
since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother
is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my
step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but
I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in
this place?"
After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist
replied: "Move over!" |
Still A
Virgin
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had
three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted
to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always
said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all
he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm
sure I'm going to get screwed." |
Psychology Experiment
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?!" |
Feeling
Guilty
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must
help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice
guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and
depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to
strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I
won't feel guilty and depressed afterward." |
Not His Problem
A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people,
when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The
psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The
psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and
declares: "That's his problem." |
Clinic's
Name
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of
the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to
last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest
psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a
huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a
smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red
flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name
of that clinic?" |
Grand
Delusions
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your
problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very
beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the
Heavens and the Earth..." |
Confused
People
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a
conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come
here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I
DIDN'T!" |
Behaviorist Solution
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of
the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since
he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very
poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst
and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in
the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested,
energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing
much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he
cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one
session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed." |
Bad
Dreams
A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. How may I help you?’ the
doctor asks. Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed
and a dozen women walkin and try to rip my clothes off and have wild
sex with me. And then what do you do? the shrink asks. I push them
away, the man says. Then what do you want me to do? the shrink asks.
Break my arms! |
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