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Golfing With Wife
A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have
had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The
final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With
a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green.
Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will
destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see
him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send
it right through the barn onto the green."
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife
holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the
ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right
into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to
see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They
end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another
terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again
he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score.
He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send
it right through the barn onto the green."
"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."
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Animal
Super Bowl
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between
the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing
little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to
rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The
first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the
rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for
a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who
stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped." |
True
Confessions Of A Golfer
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have
sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I
feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was
hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after
going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again.
"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and
began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel
away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a
bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto
the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the %#$*& putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest. |
The Devil And The Golfer
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to
sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth
of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him
in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK."
And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an
eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth
another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this
match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you
don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no
sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
|
A Fishy
Story
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment:
the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even
a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same
thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like
this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men
catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the
other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught
cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
|
The Laws
Of Golfing
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the
supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a
summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by
your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with
the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one
does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut
down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of
the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it
works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from
the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will
consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted
murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an
easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the
one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day. |
The Old Golfer
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and
hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water
trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and
chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing
over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it
falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.
As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down
and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where
a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled,
the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops
out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
fooling around, we won't bring you next time." |
Take The
Bait
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen
lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began
waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy
walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the
old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute
and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the
fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the
boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in
another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any
more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour
without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have
caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms
warm!" |
Which
Hole?
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was
on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked
if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th
hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He
thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady
again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a
hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked
her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy
you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a
conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was
in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!" |
Employee
Sport Preferences
After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced
the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:
Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
the balls are. |
Adopted By the Boston
Red Sox
A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother
and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide
who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would
you like to live with your mother?"
"No." said the boy.
"Why not?" said the judge.
"Because she beats me."
The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."
"Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too."
Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Boston Red Sox."
"Why?" asks the judge.
"They don't beat anybody." |
Christ
Returns to the NBA
After a two-year hiatus from basketball, Jesus Christ returned to the
NBA last night, playing with his former team, the Atlanta Hawks.
Christ, who quit the sport in May 1994 to focus on spreading His
message of universal love and compassion, made His triumphant return
last night against the Bulls, just in time for Easter Sunday. The
return of Christ, who averaged 18.2 points and 7.3 assists per game
during his 10-year NBA career, has excited success-hungry Hawks fans,
who are calling Him the team's "Savior."
Said Atlanta resident and devout Christian Jeff Voorhees, "Jesus is
Lord."
Christ's decision to return to the Hawks surprised insiders,
considering for years the Nazareth native had been crucified by the
Atlanta press. Ever since He was drafted third overall out of Texas
A&M in 1986, Christ has been labeled "too passive and forgiving" to
ever lead the Hawks to the promised land. Christ, however, has decided
to turn the other cheek.
"I forgive Atlanta Journal-Constitution sportswriter Stan Sheridan,"
Christ said. "He knows not what he writes."
The closest Christ came to signing with another team came in December,
when He spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert with Detroit Pistons
coach Doug Collins. After consulting His father, God, Christ decided
to turn down the Pistons' offer of 30 gold pieces.
"Get thee behind me, Coach Collins," Christ reportedly said.
Though some say the media led Christ to quit basketball, many contend
He quit after being betrayed by teammate Kevin Willis during a 1994
Celtics-Hawks playoff game. With three seconds left and the Hawks
trailing by one, Christ was wide open underneath the basket for an
easy lay-up. Instead of passing to Christ, Willis took a wild shot
from three-point range, missing the net completely. After the game, a
visibly upset Christ stretched out His arms and said, "Kevin Willis,
why hast thou forsaken me?"
Despite the controversies, Hawks teammates and personnel are excited
to have Christ back.
Forward Stacey Augmon, just one of the many Hawks players who claims
to have a personal relationship with Christ, said, "He's taught me so
much, like how to love your enemies as yourself, to pray for those who
hurt you, and when to pass up the three in favor of a higher
percentage shot."
Fans also eagerly await the return of Christ's "Ascension Dunk," a
crowd favorite. In the patented dunk, Christ leaps His
less-than-league-average 24-inch vertical, then miraculously ascends
toward Heaven, floating in mid-air just long enough to stuff the ball.
An accompanying angelic choir momentarily stuns His defenders as the
ball comes crashing down on their heads. The move wowed audiences at
NBA All-Star Slam-N-Jam dunk competitions for two years in a row.
A three-time NBA All-Star, Christ impressed team doctors during a
brief, closed-door workout Friday, in which He displayed His
still-sharp shooting skills, dribbling ability and overwhelming love
for all mankind.
Team doctors also noted that in contrast to most players who take
layoffs, Christ's body fat is just 3 percent, even lower than when He
was playing. Christ attributed the low figure to His recent food-free,
2,000-year out-of-body reign in His Father's Kingdom.
Meanwhile, the league made a special ruling regarding Christ's crown
of thorns, deciding that He may wear the headpiece only so long as He
does not "unwittingly anoint a player with the forgiving power of His
Holy Blood."
Though Hawks fans seem certain Christ can help the team, some NBA
experts question whether Jesus is the Answer.
"The healing power of His Holy Love may get the Hawks into the
playoffs, but they can't ride it alone to the championship," NBA
commentator Hubie Brown said. "What they really need is a solid power
forward who can fill the lane, someone like Cliff Robinson."
Some analysts think that Christ's injuries, along with His added age,
may slow Him down.
"Christ isn't going to be 32 forever, and, quite frankly, He hasn't
been the same since the Romans drove holes into His hands and feet,"
NBA analyst and former coach Chuck Daly said. "A painful stigmata
injury is difficult to overcome, and it may affect His shooting touch.
Still, I'm pretty confident He can rise again." |
Charlie's Hole In One
Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three
hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got
up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately
dropped dead of a heart attack."
The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"
The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the
ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag
Charlie. . ." |
Swimming Head
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms.
The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all
line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs
is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he
had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head
at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and
sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've
spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before
the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!" |
Hunting
and Talking
Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire
exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he
was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold
collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was
hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he
was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back
and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him
about his worst experience.
He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever
happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit,
so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down
into *the* position."
"Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend.
"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap
snapped shut on my testicles."
One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what
in the world was the worst?"
He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the
chain . . ." |
The
Strength Of 100 Men
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him
and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he
has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does,
you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other
several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian
lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the
dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer
buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't
watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer
raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.
The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly
collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair
of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose,
so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own balls!" |
Two Bear
Hunters
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other
went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but
only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his
rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on
him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he
tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over
him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend
inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!" |
Cow Tail
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the
tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play
through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the
plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly
beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find
his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went
over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was
a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf
ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does
this look like yours?"
That was the last thing he could remember. |
Deer
Hunting
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another
hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell
you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction.
Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy
was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.
|
Elk
Hunting
Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the
wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did
the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba
exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We
bagged four elk!"
The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only
fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two
behind."
Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you
to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.
The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the
three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the
flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were
hurtling to the ground.
Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed,
"Do you have any idea where we are?"
Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile
from where we crashed last year." |
A
Fishing Lure
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the
bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running
through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on
his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with
his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden
finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a
valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box
of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he
don't have one." |
Why
Fishing Is Better Than Sex
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're
making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to
know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie
about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to
still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a
woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing. |
The
Football Moms
Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son
playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw
his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the
opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud
of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian
accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a
fine?"
Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down
the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone
by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her
seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk.
Ain't he-a wonderful?"
The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the
ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction,
fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once
more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end
of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer.
Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I
raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?" |
Mother
Nature
There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day.
After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even
close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.
They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at
the hole.
So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his
ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly
pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were
flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.
Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this
beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all,
now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are
Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a
year."
The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.
Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find
so funny?"
The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the
Pussywillows." |
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