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Top Ten Ways
Michael Jackson Would Be Cooler if He Lived in the Star Wars Universe
1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably
acceptable
2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for 'Captain EO'
3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of
Billie Jean's son
4. Could really walk on moons
5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith
6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence
message of 'Beat It'
7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had
8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more
realistic
9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet
10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look
manly |
Why Did
The Chicken Cross The Road?
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see
the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the
"other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to
cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of
the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract
law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal
wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up.
As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's
ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the
rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken
unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our
investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach
the other side of the road until our investigation and any
Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also
are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the
Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort
to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at
least to ruffle his feathers.)
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes!
The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed,
I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough
for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is in the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken? Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed
the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one? |
Crashing
Supermodels
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a
super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane
announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to
make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position
immediately!"
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia
pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing
fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!"
Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search
for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which
is why I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of
flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused,
Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are
you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"
Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the
rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful
breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to
expose her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell:
"Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone
to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact
the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a
black box!!" |
Upgrading Bill Gate's
Hell
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society
by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also
created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if
it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in
the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the
temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see
Heaven."
"Fine," said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with
angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not
as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled
to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with
heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with
no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.
"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented
disappointment.
"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago.
I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place,
with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water????"
"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95." |
Quotes
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!"
-Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful.
-Jay Leno
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't
know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the
boss's job and I don't want it.
-Bill Cosby
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we
can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You
see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men
think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At
the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams |
Wisdom
Of Supermodels
ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought,
Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from
behind."
-Cindy Crawford
ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-Beverly Johnson
ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-Christie Brinkley
ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more
particular about the acting roles I take."
-Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-Kim Alexis
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-Tyra Banks
ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't
seen anything. I don't really care."
-Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in
volleyball and modeling."
-Gabrielle Reece
ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him,
What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you
throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your
workout."
-Cheryl Tiegs
ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-Tatjana Patitz
ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on
thick tights underneath."
-Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
crackers."
-Carol Alt
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having
little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with
sequins all over them."
-Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS
"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-Linda Evangelista
ON THOUGHT
"When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it
doesn't work."
-Paulina Porizkova
ON DEPRIVATION
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-Linda Evangelista
ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had
to, and I would."
-Kate Moss
ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to
speak."
-Linda Evangelista |
Give Back My Glove
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!! |
Bill
Gates And God
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and
went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked,
tell what is important about yourself.
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance
and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.
God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at
my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.
Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices
were most important.
God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right
hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him
indignantly.
God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair". |
Comedians' Best Lines, 1997
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope
not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
--Larry Miller
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too.'"
--Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is
that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in
a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like
shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
--Jack Mayberry
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually
bought a congressman."
--Bruce Baum
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you
should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past
me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the
toe clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."
--???? |
Bill
Gates Meets His Match
The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving
into his new house...
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for
the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a
little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the
release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new,
larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into
the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center
on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty
spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you
need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light
fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit.
The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll
have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not
rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests
over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water
pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing
to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other
fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house,
turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house
and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling
me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release
sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year,
but we've had some delays..." |
Michael Jackson
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?
One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other
carries groceries. |
Computer
Viruses
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 1.3gb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands
back to 1.3gb.
AT&T VIRUS:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the
AT&T virus.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back...
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:
Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining
into a binary network.
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS:
Prints "oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort".
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow
the user to accomplish anything.
EMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money
from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it
purchases through Prodigy.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:
It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the
screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive
with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.
DENVER BRONCOS VIRUS:
Makes your P133 machine perform like a 286/AT
L.A.P.D. VIRUS:
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases
them in "self-defense".
|
Computer
Viruses Part 2
Ellen Degeneres virus.....Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus.....Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus.....Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus.....Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus.....Quits after one byte
Lorena Bobbit virus.....Turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy
Tim Allen virus.....Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive
Woody Allen virus.....Bypasses the motherboard and turns on daughter
card
Saddam Hussein virus.....Won't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus.....Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Joey Buttafuoco virus.....Only attacks minor files
X-files virus.....All your Icons start shape-shifting
Ronald Reagan virus.....Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....Deletes your old files |
Proof that Bill Gates is
the Devil
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays
he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third
(3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and
adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
+ 3
--------------
666 !!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or
just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? You decide...
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