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Some
Really Funny Quotes for you to enjoy ! |
If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill
them.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
(Friend or Money !)
Death is hereditary.
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the
right side.
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes
it sound confusing.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one
forgets.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone
else.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is
looking.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
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If it
were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the
dark.
--------Michael L.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to
use.
---------Wendell Johnson
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win
or lose.
--------Weinberg
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life
when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
--------F Lebowitz
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get
up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
--------Robert Frost
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it.
--------Franklin P. Jones
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of
those we don't like?
-------Jean Cocturan
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
------Jerry Seinfeld
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Words of
Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a
suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.
7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the
statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are
crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
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THOUGHTS ON KIDS BY SOME
MOMS!!!
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids
do you want?
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,
despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every
mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
Children will soon forget your presents. They will always
remember your presence.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.
"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
you've purchased new school clothes.
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby"
has never tried it.
The best inheritance parents can give their children is
a few minutes of their time each day.
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"I told
my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous
- everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield.
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners.
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin.
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated
that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't
understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who
your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my
own."
Les Dawson.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write
with."
Marty Feldman.
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan.
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of
course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe.
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