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Fish and Cat Story
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of
a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll
jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the
lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to
that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have
myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He
thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish
will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot
the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If
that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will
lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the
bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and
thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump,
the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat
will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed
the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat
grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the
lake.
The moral of this story is:
If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet. |
Don't
Lie to Mom
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and
this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than
met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well,
I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a
gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not
saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle
by now. Love, Mom."
Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother. |
Horse
And Chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back
to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and
horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the
mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from
the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he
stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy'
and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to
safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
chicks. |
The Nonconformist Bird
There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for
the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every
winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal,
anyway?"
So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird
had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze
to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to
a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow.
The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked
himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the
snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself,
crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who
did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get
him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But,
after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his
anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing
overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away
the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be
free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to
eat the little bird.
The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does
not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the
crap, it does not make them your friend. |
Friar
Joke
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the
business. They ignored her too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close shop! Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that...
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. |
Love,
Wealth, And Success
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards
sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I
don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and
have something to eat." "Is the man of the house home?", they asked.
"No", she replied. "He's out." "Then we cannot come in", they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had
happened. "Go tell them I am home and invite them in!" The woman went
out and invited the men in" "We do not go into a House together," they
replied. "Why is that?" she asked. One of the old men explained: "His
name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said
pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he
added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you
want in your home." The woman went in and told her husband what was
said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said. "Since that is
the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with
wealth!" His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"
Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the
house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better
to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!" "Let us heed
our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife. "Go out
and invite Love to be our guest." The woman went out and asked the 3
old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got
up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I
only invited Love, Why are you coming in?" The old men replied
together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us
would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we
go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and
Success!!!!!!"
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